I can't stand it anymore

Every so often, I have a moment in my life where I reach breaking point. The velocity of the cycle at which I have this effect on me accelerates exponentially as time goes by. As of now, I would be tempted to describe these as a sort of mixture of extreme bereavement that I am not with my ET family yet, and most of all, a very strong urge to be free; the ET part is there since 2 or 3 years, and the freedom part has always been the core of the crises.

When this happens, I feel as if I'm being deprived of what my soul needs and wants for too long. This is actually a recurring familial trauma; my sisters were put in foster care twice, where they were neglected the first time. They had to wait two or three long, agonizing years to finally be home and had long-standing psychological sequelae.

As I reflect upon this phenomena, I now realize that me and my siblings are in a similar boat. Our parents cannot meet the entirety of what we need, because spiritually we also have a need for self-actualization that needs basically, Source/God, to fulfill itself. 

Besides, there has been a pattern of neglect and squalor in my family's household for several years, which is now done for after my family moved again. Yes, I once lived in squalor. My bedroom was a complete disaster and my bed was left broken, and so was my disjointed window, which fell down 2 stories once and could literally have landed on someone, or a car, but out of divine grace, did not. Our former feline friend almost died from starvation at one point. My mother was living in severe depression and did nothing but sleep all day long. This made me leave the home permanently with adult social services and hospital support.

Rain fell through my room and permakilled one of my old computers. I would gladly have reported all of this to CPS because of my siblings, however, they were all so scared of this group, because they already had sabotaged our lives. At the same time, my mother was constantly asking me for money sucking it out of my disability check, so I had to be put under a custodian who had the power to control all of my finances for a few years. By next month I will regain the right to use it all, but I cannot sign a lease on my own just yet.

As souls, we don't have parents. We are sovereign.

And also count in my absent father who literally abandoned us all after being caught doing more than a decade-long fraud., although he already had almost no fatherly involvement with us beforehand. My brother, who is almost 21 now, is permanently institutionalized in group homes since the age of five, because of his nonverbal autism and severe learning disabilities.

Add to this some of my real-life friends, who seem to have been trapped in a cycle of absenteeism from me or just always being prevented from seeing me in person.

I'm long out of that place of neglect, and I have new, better socioeconomic situations coming up, however, it is simply put ------- "filler" meant to help me survive here for now.

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I don't know exactly what the global energy is influencing my thinking, but know that I am a fallible soul like you and I can be prone to cracking wide open, and internally struggling with feeling abandoned.

The yogi child, always waiting for something, someone, who seems to never arrive - until she decides to flip the switch and run off.